July 2009
3 tags
Wanted: Help with Yardwork
Can you dig a hole? Can you lift 180 lbs? Can you get blood stains out of a hammock? If so, call Toby. Will trade for wedding ring or BJ.
3 tags
Need Backup Dancers
2 help me dazzle on stage tomorrow. That’s right - this quarterly sales presentation is gonna be different!! Email me at accountingteam@AIG.com
Room 4 Rent
15×12. Private entrance lets you come and go in private. Also includes swirling Portal to Hell (exit only). Super kewl!
4 tags
For Sale: Monkey
Ignores my safe word. $50 obo.
Chair shopping.
There are three things I always look for in a chair: comfort, style and a big sack of gold hidden inside.
4 tags
Rearranging furniture.
Once again, she asked me if we should try moving the couch to the other side of the room, and once again I refused. For one, my back was killing me. For two, if we moved that couch away from the TV, it would expose my secret underground tunnel to the center of the earth…and NO ONE MUST KNOW!
Low-budget advertising.
I think furniture stores should stop using those annoying, low-budget commercials to fight for my business. They should use harpoons and knives instead.
Party hosting
If you want to make guests comfortable when they come over to visit, buy a reclining chair. If you want to make guests uncomfortable when they come over to visit, walk around naked and talk about how “Hitler wasn’t all bad.”
Simple pleasures.
I think my footstool is just about the best invention of all time. Because it may just be a glorified block of wood, but after a long day at the office, nothing beats the relaxation I feel after sitting down, taking a deep breath, and throwing that little guy through a plate-glass window.
Moving furniture.
There’s nothing fun about moving a new couch up to a third floor apartment. Unless you put blindfolds on the movers and call out fake directions so they run into walls and stuff.
The long lost tribe.
It was difficult communicating with the chief. I would draw images in the dirt and he would do his best to guess what I was trying to say. In the end though, the communication barrier proved too great, and we finished the Pictionary tournament in last place.
Road trip.
After all those hours of driving, my butt was completely asleep. And so was the rest of me, which is how I ended up in that ditch.
Roadside dining.
The cheeseburger seemed like a good idea at the time, but now my stomach had me thinking otherwise. I couldn’t let on I was hurting though, because I didn’t want to give Sharon the satisfaction. This isn’t the first time she’s warned me about eating food I’ve found sitting on the side of the road.
Traffic ticket.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” the cop said as I handed him my driver’s license. “Actually, no,” I replied. “Damn it. I was hoping one of us would,” he maligned as he handed back my license and reluctantly trudged back to his car.
4 tags
Driving music
The Latin music was a nice diversion, but after about 30 minutes of it, it was time to switch back to my usual classic rock. So I pulled over to the side of the road and asked the mariachi band pile out onto the median.
