If some guy tries to tell you that horseracing is the sport of kings, I think a clever way to answer is simply by saying “nay.” Because in horse language it means “I agree. Horses are superior to humans and I am proud to serve them.” You know, in case those paranoid horse kings are spying on us.
I think Frankenstein’s monster would make a great quarterback. For one, look at the arm on that guy. For two, while you’re wasting time trying to figure out how to tackle him, here comes old buddy Dracula to suck your blood.
One that’s healthy, made with bran and has just the right amount of natural sweetness. Maybe from raisins. Like, two scoops of them in every box. And maybe the mascot for the cereal could be, like, a cartoon sun with “cool” sunglasses on. And on the box he’s holding the raisins, one in each arm. And both of the raisins are real sexy cartoon girl raisins, and the sun is making out with both of them. You know, because the raisins are “sun-kissed?” Mr. Kellogg’s should really call me back about this idea.
I want digital cable with all the movie channels. And a flat-screen TV that I can watch it on. And a wall mount to put the TV on. And a house with a wall to put the wall mount on. And also, a pair of human eyes so I can see the movies.
In the 4th grade I challenged Ricky Fitzsimmons to a fight. My best friend Tommy thought I was crazy. “Are you kidding? That guy’s as big as my house,” I remember him saying. “That may be true,” I said. “But I’m bigger than that cardboard box you live in, so I think I can take him.”
My first kiss was in 1st grade. I was playing Go Fish with this girl named Sandy, when all of sudden she leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. I liked it, but for weeks after I kept wondering if she’d given me Cooties. Of course, that’s ridiculous. The cold sores should have been a dead give away that it was Herpes.
One time when I was a kid, I was out riding my horse when she slipped and broke her leg. It was hard to do, but I had to take my gun and put old Blackie down. It may sound bad to you, but that’s just a regular way of life out here on the farm. Wait. Did I say life? I meant murder.
The early morning is my favorite time on the farm. When I go out to the barn, the cows greet me with a “moo” and the rooster tells me “cock-a-doodle-doo.” And even though they’re just animals, I always feel obliged to reply by saying, “for the last time, I DON’T SPEAK FARM ANIMAL!”
A lot of visitors to the farm look at the pigs rolling around in their own filth and just assume us humans are a cleaner, healthier animal. What these folks don’t realize, however, is that when they go to bed and start rolling around in their sleep, I rub pig filth all over their faces.
As a teen, Steve Martin worked at a magic shop in Disneyland. It was here that a local magician would eventually divulge to Martin the secret to becoming a successful entertainer – drinking the blood of ogres from an enchanted chalice.
In the Bible, the apostles write a lot about loving your neighbor and helping your fellow man. Now, I wasn’t raised a Christian, but I don’t have to be one to agree that this is pretty much the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Each Christian religion has different rules for getting into heaven. If you’re worried about following the wrong ones, here’s a surefire way to guarantee you live happily for eternity: just eat the souls of children.
I also want a video game buddy that doesn’t just quit halfway through the game. Because that’s just lazy, and I hate lazy people. Maybe it was just how I was raised, but I believe when you start something, you better finish it. Otherwise, you’re nothing but a