May 2009
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For Sale: MEAT!
Found it, don’t ask where. Probably pork, but that’s just a guesstimate. $30 obo.
Depressed? Low Self Esteem? Cry nightly?
Pussy.
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For sale: Baby Clothes.
Had the abortion after all.
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Another wedding idea
How about a bunch of strobe lights and flashing lasers for the dance floor? I want my dad to have a good time and that sort of thing always gets him moving. Mostly, you know, because of the seizures.
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An idea for my wedding reception
I think it would make the guests smile if we pulled out a bunch of old childhood photos projected them on the wall. Especially if the photos are of Asian kids because, man, they’re the cutest.
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Dear Indigo,
Or should I say, “Purple.” That’s right, I know. We all know. Turn yourself in before someone takes the law into their own hands.
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Dear Red,
You really surprised me at dinner last night. The waiter assured me you wouldn’t show, but then I cut into my steak and there you were! I appreciate the gesture, but showing up unannounced is just plain rude in my book. Next time, please call ahead and we can go somewhere where your presence won’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. Like a strawberry patch or the scene of a murder. Also, you owe me for...
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Dear Green,
You gave it a good try, but give it a rest with the fruits already. Your apples are way too tart and your bananas just plain suck. Leave it to the pros like red and yellow. Oh and the kiwi? Nice try, but it doesn’t taste anything like the bird it was named after (not even close). You’ve got the vegetable market cornered. Can’t that be enough?
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Another Excerpt From My Pirate Novel
Big Mike drew his sword and pushed Davy to safety. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size,” he shouted. “Aye, good advice” Captain Lance bellowed. “Tis a proper fight Captain Lance be seeking!” And with that, the captain abruptly turned and ran sword-first into the crowded pub, leaving the boy and the midget alone as quickly as he’d arrived.
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An Excerpt From My Pirate Novel
Davy and Jesse, frightened by the gunshot, put their heads down and ran. They ran and ran, and ran some more. They ran until their legs ached and their brows were mottled with sweat. And just before those little legs gave out, they lunged past the big rock, collapsed in a heap and cautiously looked backward. To their surprise, the pirates were still back there, hot on their trail. “I don’t believe...
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Survival Diary - Day 27
The days are getting cold and the nights colder. When I set out for town all those days ago, I really should have taken the extra time to throw on a pair of pants. These Fruit of the Looms simply aren’t cutting it.
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Survival Diary - Day 13
The last of the Toblerones is gone. I used my shoelace and a paperclip to fashion a makeshift fishing pole. After hours at the stream, I finally succeed in snaring my quarry. And what a beauty it was – at least a foot in length! Too bad it was a trout. I don’t much care for trout – to fishy for my taste. I threw it back and prayed for marlin.
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Survival Diary - Day 4
The search helicopters are passing by less and less frequently. I was optimistic before, but now I fear I may never be found. Looking back, I probably should have cut my nap short and come running when I heard those dogs barking and those men calling my name.
Please Sign This Petition!!
This noble young chap is not afraid to fight for equality. Please read his petition:
To: Dean Guitars
This is a petition to get Dean guitars to produce more left handed models, including all Dimebag Tribute models, and upcoming models. Left handed people have just as many rights to own a great guitar as right handed people, with the SAME available options. the second goal of this petition is to...
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A Final Note on Suicide
I read in the paper that this one lady won a Dodge Neon on a game show, and then later used it to inhale exhaust fumes and died. If I won a Dodge Neon, I probably would too.
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Wristcutters
I think people who cut their wrists are just looking for attention. That, or tendons.
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Should Suicide be Legal?
I think suicide should be legal. Not because I’m morally in favor of it, but because I’m sick of all these dead corpses clogging up our prison system.
Another Suicidal Thought
It would take a lot of guts to stab yourself to death with a butcher knife. But not as much guts as it would take to drown yourself in a bathtub filled with human guts.
Suicidal Thought
If I were forced to commit suicide, I wouldn’t do something extravagant like jump off a bridge or throw myself off a cliff. Instead, I’d probably just stay at home and use my gas oven. Because it’s not very tall and I bet I’d survive the fall.
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If I were a virus...
If I were a virus, I wouldn’t want to infect anyone who was too weak. Because everyone knows I like a challenge.
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If I were a cat...
If I were a cat I’d probably have to start drinking a lot coffee because, seriously, I can’t afford to fall asleep every time the sunlight passes across my thinking chair. I’VE GOT THINKING TO DO, DAMN IT!
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If I were a tomato...
If I were a tomato I’d try my darnedest to find a gardener who listened to the radio. Any station would be fine with me, as long as it kept that loudmouth gardener from talking to me all day. Hello!? Trying to grow here!
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Lost: Stroller
Brown seat with blue awning. Has 2 cupholders and diaper storage compartment. Last seen at Mayfair Market last Thursday about 3 p.m. No reward, but you can keep the baby if it’s still there.
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Lost: Colostomy Bag
Last seen in the ball pit of McDonalds playground.
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One final fact about heaven
Go ahead and get used to the taste of Metamucil now. The senior citizens run the show up there and that stuff is in everything.
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What is heaven like?
If you think heaven is covered in lush, verdant foliage, think again. If you want a more accurate mental picture, think of Baltimore. Then, add roving swarms of bees.
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Another Fact About Heaven
Everything is shared in heaven. This is great when it comes to stuff like the candy apple machine, but kind of gross when it comes to the tampons.
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Another Fact About Heaven
You’ll be happy to learn unbaptized babies go to heaven. They keep them in a giant glass bin and you can walk right in and pet them whenever you want.
What I learned about heaven from my near-death...
The restaurant is magnificent, but I hope you like green beans and mashed potatoes with your steak. Substitutions are not allowed.
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A Request Upon My Death
For the viewing at my funeral, dress me in a suit. Not a double-breasted or a tuxedo, but rather a no-frills, ordinary swimsuit. These glorious pecs were my gift to the world, and I want the world to have one last look.
